By Silent Alarm

There’s a Storm Brewing Out There

After being pressured by the Aunt to get my butt into full time work for the remainder of the summer, I called hell (aka LFCA TC Meaford) and told the catering company I’d help them out. Negotiated with “the man” and settled to start this Monday just past. Spent the weekend on one last, very loud hurrah with my favourite party team in Bruce County. Three nights and three days of beaching, shopping, Ani Difranco at max volume, discussing and funning in the sun. Southampton was host to the Saturday night party and the Sunday aftermath. Meghan’s friend Nate came up from Whitby on a pretend visit to London to fix up his place. We showed him a real Grey-Bruce time. The night was a whirlwind of booze and music and dancing and walking to the beach in the dark to swim… The next day was painful. Also- there are a few things I don’t remember. Everyone had a blast and Nate lost his van keys. Sunday was beach, food, sleep, and me finding Nate’s keys under Sarah’s bed. Awesome.

So Monday I was absolutely dreading work until I called in to check my shift and found out they closed my kitchen! Bam! Laid off before the first day! Shame… but it’s a sign? Fate- and I can tell the Aunt to blame the Canadian military.

All week the sister and I have been house/animal sitting for a friend of the family, watching movies and running on the lovely Georgian Trail.

Today the skies are rainy and gray and I’m inside with a to-do list the length of my arm.

I want to do something for my community. For the high school perhaps? Something to fund one student each year to volunteer abroad. Or… more than one. Giving back and also allowing someone an opportunity that I didn’t have and that could do so much for so many people at the same time. This to be filed under goals. Inspired by the boy.

Who, by the way is slowly catching on. A few arguments/discussions in the past week and a half have led seemingly to him learning email etiquette and how-to’s in a long distance… sitch. A quasi-relationship. In addition he has invited me to his dad’s birthday party in August- the entire extended family will be there. Exciting and terrifying, perhaps. In any case I adore the boy. He needs some convincing. It’s just a matter of clearing up this break-up and then run off to Europe with the boy he hates business. All a misunderstanding, though I can see the reason for confusion. *sigh* This whole rollercoaster thing can be exhausting. Like… you love it so you keep going back. And each time you realize it always takes the same track and ends up in the same roundabout place… but somehow still it’s the only one in the park that interests you. It’s the reason you go to the park. Oh, yuck. I scare myself. Anyway that’s what it’s like.


Fireworks and a Phone Call

Busy busy weekend- volunteering at a basketball tournament Saturday, catching up with Jeremy downtown Saturday night to a soundtrack of live music and fireworks over the harbour, Sunday with Addison jumping off the pier and hanging with his family. The theme continues through the week as I run errands tomorrow and start work this week at my least favourite place in the world. I’ve spent sufficient time bitching about it this weekend, though, so I’ll save my rant for a more urgent time.

The boys in my life right now are truly keeping me busy. One, half a world away, is missing me and thirsty for contact- I’m avoiding him and I don’t know why. Might have something to do with hard feelings and hurt feelings and the obscene amount of time I spent with him in May/June. Five weeks is a long long time to be tied to someone. Another decided to live in this town for the summer on account of me! I haven’t seen nearly enough off him considering our through-the-year connection. Some questions remain as to our true feelings about one another- crushes and poor timing and confusion and stubborn-ness… Plus the issue of his thoughts on “the boy.” Oh, “the boy.” I don’t even know anymore. I know nothing. It’s been so long and we’re so far in at this point that I’m lost. Break-ups and reunions and other girls and arguments… We’re on and off but we’re never REALLY off. Remaining questions: How do we both feel? What do we want from one another, if anything at all? Does he have the time? Can we make each other happy- really? Is it worth the trouble? How do we go about making a commitment to each other and ourselves at this point (be it to remain attached and exclusive or to part ways for real without looking back)? Well, these are all questions we’ve struggled with since… gosh, it seems the beginning of time. Current issues: the marginalization of “us” and avoiding decisions and neglect. Guh. We spoke on the phone this evening- no real solutions as usual though we are going to attempt a scheduled time-spending routine. I get Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9-930pm. Weekends are up in the air. The whole thing sounds ridiculous to me and is really just a way for him to commit to committing and to maintain contact more than what we have. Trial period begins tomorrow.

Acknowledgment of the issue was really the most important part. Sometimes it’s like trying to two-way communicate with a wall. The male-female dichotomy is highlighted here. We really have two different sets of expectations and have two different techniques for going about this quasi-relationship with baggage thing.

Arrrrgh frustration has been at a high for a few days. Tonight begins writing and painting therapy. Hobbies. 🙂 The true kicker, deep down, I think, is that I hate the realization that I’ve let the boy affect me so much and shaking me up and setting me down. I’ve never dealt with this before and I hate admitting to being turned upside down by another. Relying on another is not my style. Strengths: admission and acknowledgement of… Weaknesses: dependency and insecurities. Next steps: Starting clean and looking out for moi.

Stupid boy(s). Creating drama and insanity. No more. Easy from here on in. Much owed catch-up email to Nicolas tomorrow. Hanging out with Jeremy following his return from T.O. Wednesday. Phone date with “the boy” 9-930 tomorrow.

Kicking butt since 1985

Today I crossed a major item off my to do list. I’ve been trying to motivate myself to run a few times a week. No more sporadic running action whenever the mood hits. We’re talking a solid regimen. It was remarkably easy. On the way home from picking up some food I used the car to mark out a good route around the neighbourhood, measuring distances etc, and the younger siblings inquired as to what on earth I was up to. When I told them, they were both on board! Josh needs to find a good way to keep up his training for football, and Em’s new basketball coach for next year wants her to start early. And so Team H was born. Attempts to get Dad on board were less than successful. So the three of us will hit the pavement in the next few days- after Emma’s basketball tourney and Josh’s camping trip. The kids decided our action will take place in the mornings, three times a week to start, with the option of adding a Sunday run if we’re so inclined. 🙂 So for now enthusiasm and motivation are running high. Updates to come. Wish us luck!

In other news, I haven’t heard from the boy today. Not that this is so unordinary. Except that we didn’t talk last night either. Which, slowly is becoming okay by me. I think about it less now than I have been in the recent past, and it’s sure to only get easier. This has gone on for just so long that I’m tired of the waiting around and insecurities and uncertainties and the hurt. The hurt is a big motivator to move on. But this isn’t really moving on, is it? When I’m actually striving to be too busy for him, instead of feeling as though he’s too busy for me. I’m tired of him keeping me at bay- seperate from his whole life. I’m tired of the sharing and waiting. So while for now, I’m keeping busy to keep from thinking of him… it’s also for me, right? My basic concern is for myself, though the problem really is the way I let myself be hurt by him. And once I’ve jumped into this new routine- this me that I’ve lost since he and I have been… he and I- it will no longer be because of him. It will just be me. I’d say two years is plenty of time to spend on someone else. Now I spend my time on me. For me. Every once in a while I feel the pang of regret that I let this happen during two of perhaps the most significant years of my life. When I think of everything that’s happened in my life in the past few years it’s remarkable to me that I spent so much energy thinking of someone else. But the new style-de-vivre is to avoid that pang. No regrets. Just pushing forward. Learning and living. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak, no lie.

Primary goals: heal, have courage, have fun, do it better.

You can only hope to contain this…

Here goes. Launching myself into the www. My medium for sharing myself and my ideas and questions with the greater population- minus the intimacy of committing my… well myself, really, to those in proximity to know and judge. Because that’s really it- isn’t it? A need to reach out and be taken in without being seen. Existing in another’s awareness while remaining within the endless confines of the unknown.

Something I’ve been meaning to do for some time. Finally in motion- because that’s my new theme. Time to start doing. Experiencing. Seeing. Sharing. Recognizing. The realisation that we hold off for a time when we’re more settled, more certain, more complete- and yet when will we be more ready for anything? Never more settled; no more ready… but rather constantly changing and learning and developing. So pourquoi pas self-document along the way? Who else will be a witness? Who else to chronicle our intentions, actions, achievements and ideas? Here’s to a testimonial.